Pop

Every morning I wake up and take my pills and go outside to my garden and drink my coffee, do a little yoga, meditate. medicate. Lately I have been thinking about my Dad, who passed into the void on August 2nd, all of 80 years old. I have been seeing him all over the place, and unable to shake the feeling of sadness. On days where I'm not taking care of my mother, I am moping around, somewhere between her house and my house. Unable to move forward, unable to shrink backward, unable to just be.

Part of it has to do with the fact that I promised him I would write him his eulogy. He asked me and of course I said yes. When it came down to it I was unable to put the words on paper. There was so much to say about him but it was almost as if writing it would make it real. I walked around that day, the day of the funa-real with three different version, but couldn't do it. Maybe next time.

I loved my Dad so much, that I can't imagine him not being here. I like to go into his chair and feel him, his arms around me. He told me he would miss me. He has no idea how much I will miss him. And do.

The last few mornings for some reason the pain in my head is abhorant. (is that a word or did I just make it up?)Like now. I haven't been writing very much. My dad wanted me to write a book. He didn't really understand my poetry, although he did like the poem "Geese Clouds" very much. He thought it was about a husband and wife, which was quite intuitive...though it was about me and my dog. Same thing. It was chosen to be part of a collection of poems that were picked for the Austin International Poetry Festival a few years back. He was proud of everything I did. Although I'm sure I disappointed him from time to time, he made me feel like the prettiest girl at the dance, or the most popular girl in the class, even if I never really was. I'm single now, no husband after twenty years, no boyfriend..of my choosing I like to believe. But no matter what, my Dad was my guy, handsome, talented, funny, kind, sweet, a hard-ass, and a hipster. He's a hard act to follow.


Geese Clouds

Those are Geese Clouds, she explained to him,
The kind of milky clouds that attract geese in the winter,
You know, when it's gray and it gets cold out, like
in December the time of year when the geese should
be gone but they're confused because winter is slow
coming in New York, but slow going as well.
So the geese clouds lure the confused geese into
their slate night and purple winter sled as they
swim first out of the cold dense moss water into
the filmy air then the snow acts as if it's coming and the
Geese clouds freeze up and then change and shift
Guiding the drifting geese up to Canada where
they begin their journey South.
It's a reverse flight effect, just like when the key of
A doesn't work on your keyboard
and you keep smashing it and smashing it
Until you are just about to begin working in S and then
it works and you can begin your word journey all over again.
Get it, she said to him?
He rolled over. He heard it all before.
He's a dog, she thought.
What would he know about geese clouds?
--lw